Coruscant
by Sigil
Summary: Song-parody of Weird Al's Albuquerque.


I did this really fast with no time, so sorry if it's stupid. It's a  
parody of Albuquerque by Weird Al Yankovic  
  
Coruscant  
  
By Sigil  
  
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the  
stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from  
Watto's Junk Shop  
  
You know the place.  
  
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!  
  
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning  
  
Watto would give me a whole bunch of orders before breakfast  
  
Awww - BIG BUNCH OF ORDERS!  
  
EVERY SINGLE MORNING!  
  
It was driving me crazy  
  
I said to Watto  
  
I said "Hey, Watto, what's up with all the orders?"  
  
And dear, sweet Watto  
  
He just looked at my like a bantha looks at an oncoming landspeeder  
  
And he leaned right down next to me  
  
And he said "I'M YOUR MASTER, IDIOT!"  
  
And then he tied me to a Podracer and had me fix his stuff  
  
And made me do Podraces until I was nine and a half years old  
  
That's when I swore that someday  
  
Someday I would get outta that Podracer and travel to a magical, far away  
place  
  
Where the sun is never shining and the air smells like warm Gizer ale  
  
And the slaves are oh so free  
  
Where the Jedi and the Republic arrest bad guys all day long  
  
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel  
  
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah  
  
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came  
true  
  
Because the very next day, a Jedi put me in this contest  
  
To see who could beat Sebulba in a Podrace at the Boonta Eve  
  
My Podracer was damaged by Sebulba, but I still won the grand prize  
  
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Oh yeah  
  
You know, I'd never been on a real spaceship before  
  
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great  
  
Except that I had to sit by a large Gungan with excruciatingly severe body  
odor  
  
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time (oh wait,  
that was me)  
  
The flight attendants ran out of Gizer ale and salted womp rats  
  
And the in-flight movie was Bantha Love with Bertie Bantha  
  
And, oh yeah, we got attacked by a Sith  
  
And he nearly killed Qui-Gon  
  
And the ship barely got away without exploding into a giantfireball and  
nobody died!  
  
Especially me  
  
You know why?  
  
'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright  
position  
  
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position  
  
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position  
  
Ah ha ha ha  
  
Ah ha ha  
  
Ahhhh  
  
So I crawled from the safely landed spaceship  
  
I crawled on my hands and knees right up to the Jedi Council  
  
Dragged along by a big older Jedi  
  
And a much younger Jedi  
  
And I got asked a bunch of questions by a big, bald black guy  
  
But finally I arrived at the world famous Coruscant Holiday Inn  
  
Where the towels are oh so fluffy  
  
And you can eat your nerf steak right out of the ashtrays if you wanna  
  
It's OK, they're clean  
  
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C  
  
And I turned on the SpectraVision  
  
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow  
  
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door  
  
Well now, who could that be?  
  
I say, "Who is it?"  
  
No answer  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
There's no answer  
  
"WHO IS IT?"  
  
They're not sayin' anything  
  
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected  
  
It's some big fat Sith with a red and black tattoos and only two nostrils  
  
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right  
  
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky lightsaber  
  
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"  
  
"That lightsaber's been just like a lightsaber to me"  
  
And he's like "Tough"  
  
And I'm like "Give it"  
  
And he's like "Make me"  
  
And I'm like "'Kay"  
  
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus  
  
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows  
  
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation  
  
Yes indeed, you better believe it  
  
And somehow in the middle of it all, the comlink got knocked off the hook  
  
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice  
  
And you know what it said?  
  
I'll tell you what it said  
  
It said  
  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
  
In Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my lightsaber  
  
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest  
  
I would not sleep for an instant until the two-nostrilled man was brought  
to justice.  
  
But first, I decided to buy some donuts  
  
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop  
  
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter  
  
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"  
  
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"  
  
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"  
  
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"  
  
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"  
  
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"  
  
I said, "You got any bear claws?"  
  
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"  
  
"No, we're outta bear claws"  
  
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"  
  
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed womp  
rats"  
  
I said "OK, I'll take that"  
  
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the womp rats jump out  
  
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over  
  
(rabid gnawing sounds)  
  
Oh man, they were just going nuts  
  
They were tearin' me apart  
  
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started  
goin' through my head"  
  
I believe it went a little something like this . . .  
  
Doh  
  
Get 'em off me  
  
Get 'em off me  
  
Oh  
  
No, get 'em off, get 'em off  
  
Oh, oh God, oh God  
  
Oh, get 'em off me  
  
Oh, oh God  
  
Ah, (more screaming)  
  
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating womprats all over my face  
  
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a  
constipated akk dog  
  
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my  
dreams  
  
Her name was Padme  
  
She was a diplomacy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of  
strained bantha feces  
  
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.  
  
She said "Hey, you've got womp rats on your face"  
  
That's when I knew it was true love  
  
We were inseparable after that  
  
We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-  
flavored dental floss  
  
The world was our nerf steak  
  
So we got married and we bought us a house  
  
And had two beautiful children - Luke and Leia  
  
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah  
  
But then one fateful night, Padme said to me  
  
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna stop being a Sith for a while?"  
  
I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a  
commitment"  
  
So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go  
  
In Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me  
  
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream  
  
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Empire  
  
I even made employee of the month after I killed a bunch of people by  
thinking at 'em  
  
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that  
  
I was gettin' a lot of attitude  
  
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot  
  
Tryin' to breath without my respirator  
  
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' repulsorcouch up the  
stairs all by himself  
  
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"  
  
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes  
  
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a lightsaber"  
  
So I did  
  
And then he gets all indignant on me  
  
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"  
  
Well, that's just great  
  
How was I supposed to know that?  
  
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud  
  
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy - so what's he  
complaining about?  
  
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote  
  
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in  
three days  
  
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of  
his jugular vein  
  
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over  
  
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"  
  
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming  
  
(screaming sounds)  
  
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation  
  
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?  
  
Anyway, um, um, where was I?  
  
Kinda lost my train of thought  
  
Uh, well, uh, OK  
  
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it  
  
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is  
  
I HATE TAKING ORDERS!!  
  
That's all I'm really tryin' to say  
  
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up  
  
And find yourself in an evil Empire  
  
Full of loathing and self-doubt  
  
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless  
existence  
  
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that  
  
Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours  
  
There's still a little place called  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
I said "C" (C)  
  
"O" (O)  
  
"R" (R)  
  
"U" (U)  
  
(pause)  
  
"scant" (scant)  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
  
Coruscant  
  
(belch) 


End file.
